Listen to “Bad Sex Tales” on Spreaker.
Okay, she lost. She lost the laughing challenge. That’s so cute.
I love it. Ready. I think so.
Yeah. Outstanding. All right.
Welcome to them down Fridays, you can find us live every Friday at 9pm Eastern on the Enchantrix Empire discord server, but you must be 18 or older to join. No exceptions listen to the replay every Saturday on your favorite podcast platform. Welcome everybody.
We’ve got our usual girl gang crew got a couple. So far today we only got a couple of audience members, the early birds are here for the worms. Wait, something that a small dick joke right along.
Why don’t we start, say hello to our audience and they’ve got a minute to get here but let’s start with our introduction of the mistresses and then we will get right into today’s topic, which is bad sex and we are not in the business of bad sex we’re going to tell you how to get better at it. It’s what we are in the business of. But let’s start with the effervescent and deliciously delightful Miss Becky with the biggest dick.
That’s fucking right. And don’t you forget it. I’m Miss Becky.
I’m Miss Becky. You can find me at intelligentphonesexcalls.com. You can find my other podcast kinkology the psychology of kink on kinkologypodcast.com. And I’m on Twitter as at Miss Becky and chance, and I’m on discord as LDW Becky, we should be in touch, hit me up. Fucking hilarious.
Can confirm. Thank you. Moving right along.
Our goddess of all things technical, we’re going to move right over to Mistress Harper, please introduce yourself to us. I’m Harper. I am the host of whore school, which is your adult sex education podcast, airing live every single Sunday evening from 11 to midnight on the East Coast, eight to nine on the West Coast time zones in between things happen.
And let me think. Fetish phone sex blog, I write dirty erotica. I’m on Twitter.
I’m on I’m on blue sky. You’ll find me. I’m around.
You will find her. Let’s look for Harper. She’s right there.
She’s everywhere. Everywhere. I am.
All right. I love it. Let’s move along to the divine masturbator.
Goddess, Miss Michelle. Why, thank you. I am so happy to be here.
Hello, everyone. As she stated before, I am your divine masturbator. You can find me on my website, the master matrix dot com.
You can also find me on X at T.H.E.V. Divine me. And you can also find me on blue sky at the master matrix that B.S. K.Y. dot social. If you hang around here on discord, you can also hit me up at L.D.W. Michelle.
And, you know, we can get it cracking if you like. Well, thank you very much. And.
We’re going to get our what I anticipate to be our. Quickest intro tonight. Our resident bartender as.
It’s got a little foggy in her throat. You have a few words for us, Miss Krista. Tell us where we can find you when we’re all feeling better.
Yeah, I certainly do. I am Miss Krista. And yes, I have a cold, so I sound horrible.
But you can find me at phone six fetish blog dot com. You can also find me at kinks and drinks on Saturdays at nine p.m. And even with the cold, I will be there tomorrow. So come join me for a lot of fun.
We’re doing a show on pride in the pop culture. So you’ll have a lot of fun. I promise you.
And I am going to drop my gates here. There you go. That’s where you can find me.
Outstanding. Go check her out and mix up the drink. Apparently, tonight’s drink is outstanding.
Oh, I can do that, too. I can do it now. I can tell about the drink now.
Now, we’ll save your voice. Just do it all at once and then you can go right. Give me just a second to get it.
And here we go. Now we have two drinks. We have one for all these lousy lays that we’re going to talk about.
And it is the very worst whiskey you can find on the market, which is called Colombian house. And you can get seventeen hundred and fifty milliliters for fifteen dollars and ninety nine cents. And you will not be needing much of it.
What you need to make your drink is a dirty glass filled with ice water. And then you take an eyedropper and you get a little bit of whiskey in it and you drop it into the dirty glass of ice water. And that’s what you deserve.
Now, for us, for all of us that are looking for better. Oh, this one’s a little bit more fun. This one is two ounces of written house, dry whiskey, three ounces of lemonade and three ounces of our three ounces of strawberries kind of muddled and put into a shaker.
And you shake it vigorously and you fill it up in a mason jar and you garnish it with a strawberry and a lemon. Well, and it does taste delicious. Sounds great.
I love it. I’m having a mojito spritzer, which is like a regular mojito, but with lots of. Soda water.
Lemon limestone water. OK. John says he didn’t think there was any other whiskey than Jack.
Poor guy. Bless your heart. Your world.
Yes. Daniel’s disparagement is high here. I didn’t know people didn’t like it.
Oh, I like Jack. If I don’t have money to buy anything else. Girl, I’m a crown.
I’m going to drink if I’m going to drink whiskey. I like crown or written house or one of those bourbon. I like.
Oh, yeah, I do like bourbon, too. Yeah, I’m like an old. Private investigator from like the old.
I like that. You have that. Oh, my God.
Have you seen Spider Noir? It is so good. Nicolas Cage does an incredible job. Oh, really? And he loves his bourbon.
Girl. Yes. What’s there? What’s not? I agree.
Committing that bourbon is better than whiskey. Sorry, Krista. Go ahead.
I said, what’s not to love about a good bourbon? Right. Well, I mean, the way my head feels in the morning. But damn it.
I love me some bourbon. Yes. The hangover is hell.
OK, let’s see. Miss Bianca. You’re delightful and effervescent.
Thank you. Introduce yourself to these lovely people, dear. Well, I’m Miss Bianca.
I’m one of the Cockdoms. My blog is kinkyphonefantasy.com. You can find me on X at Miss, M-I-S-S, Bianca, E-E. Bianca at EnchantrixEmpire.com or anything you might need to reach out or anything.
And also I’m on Fridays and I am very active in Discord as well. Thank you. Love it.
Thank you very much. And it looks like we lost. No, we did not.
I just can’t see. Mr. Sasha. Thank you for joining us.
Hey, how are you? Glad to be here. Good. Well, you can find me at www.kinkblogger.com. You can find me here on Discord at L-D-W Sasha and that’s S-A-S-C-H-A.
And then over on both Twitter and Blue Sky at at Sasha and Chance. Delightful. Check her out.
She’s enchanting. And one of the lovely newest presences that we have joining us for the evening, Mistress Shiloh. Would you please introduce yourself to these lovely people if you like? Sure.
Hi, I’m Mr. Shiloh. You can find me on Blue Sky. I think my username is Shiloh Enchanted.
Let me double check. Yep, it is. And it’s the same for Twitter.
You can also DM me on Discord, you know, add me as a friend if you want to talk for a little bit and you can reach me through my email too. Love your voice. Yes.
Very sexy. I agree. Get her while she’s new, folks.
Make sure you call and say hello to the lovely Miss Shiloh, a wonderful addition here at the Empire. Glad to have you. Aw, I’m happy to be here.
Outstanding. All right, I guess that leaves, did I leave anybody out? I don’t think so. Me.
I? Yeah. Mistress Hadley. And you, the best place for you to find me is emailing at Hadrick’s Hadrick’s Hadley at EnchantrixEmpire.com is the second best place to find me.
My goodness, it should be a fun night. I can’t speak. Second best place to find me is right here on Discord where I am LDW Hadley and I’m also on Twitter as Empress Hadley and on Blue Sky where the only thing I could think of to use was my name.
So I’m Hadley.BentonCourt at BlueSkyBSKY.com, that whole thing. And I’m also on EnchantrixEmpire.net a lot and if you’re not there, you should check it out. It’s fun.
It’s free. It’s chatty. It’s nice.
Welcome to Femdom Fridays, folks. Does anybody have any announcements? Well, I just want to plug my latest blog post because we’re talking about bad sex tonight and my latest blog post is about what I think goes into having the best phone sex. Oh, I like that.
That’s right in line with tonight’s topic. Right? I can give you a little advice on how to have a good phone sex with me. But yeah, you guys should check that out.
Here’s a link to it real quick. And also, it’s my anniversary month, so please call me. I would love to hear from you guys.
Oh, nice. Happy anniversary. How many years? Two years now.
Damn, girl. Seems like just yesterday. You go.
You go. Me and her come in at the same time. It’s my anniversary, too.
You sure did. The litter mates. Yep.
I love it. Thank you, thank you. Outstanding.
Oh, I love the graphic, too. Thank you. Very cute.
I have a quick announcement, too. I wanted to just point out that, guys, we’ve got a new Twitter. We are switching our Twitter account to Femdom underscore Fridays.
Definitely go follow us. Yeah, we’ve got a brand spanking new account. We’re going to be trying to follow some of the people that follow us now, but we won’t be posting to our old account starting very shortly.
If you want to know all that’s good and new and fresh in Femdom Fridays, then follow that new account. Yes, we would love to have you. Don’t miss a minute.
Don’t miss a minute. What do we have? Okay. That’s it? I would also like to say hello to 123 John, to Come Eating Man, to Goddess’s Little Giggle Slut.
I know what a session there sounds like. To Harper, help me. I clicked on the name to see the whole thing, and now I can’t see anybody except Goddess’s Little Giggle Slut.
Oh, there’s members. How do I get them back? I’m tiled on the middle of the screen. Go to the three dots, and you should be able to click Red View.
There it is. Thank you. You’re not even Harper.
I only know because Harper taught me that. I think we’re all tech disciples of Harper at this point. Yeah.
Absolutely. Harper, you’re tech Jesus. I think I’ve been in a relationship too long, and people are like, what about blah, blah, blah? And you’re like, no, that’s not in my brain.
That’s in my partner’s brain. Tech stuff all lives in Harper’s brain. Oh.
Moving right along. Lovely to see you, Kelly, the sweet girl. Thank you for still being here after all of this.
PTKM, as always, lovely to see you. Welcome in. I’ve been seeing your commentary left around a lot lately.
Oh, welcome to FremDom Fridays, folks. Oh, million-dollar business. Somebody else’s software and untrained mistresses.
We got it all going on right here. And today we’re talking about bad sex, because it’s Rune June. And if we’re going to ruin everything, it’s going to be everything.
We are much better at the actual phone sex and the being mistresses than we are at finding things on the computer, just so you know. Yeah, we’re doing this for fun, just so you all know. Yeah, it’s different when we’re getting paid.
I am not a computer tech, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. That’s great. You’re killing me.
I love it here. Good Lord. All right.
So since it is Rune June, spelled R-U-N-E for anybody who’s wondering, ask Becky, because that’s how it’s pronounced. That’s right, Rune June. So we’re going to be talking tonight about various aspects of bad sex.
And in order to do that, a couple of things. First of all, and I’m not going to dwell on this first part, but I do want to say it out loud so everybody knows. We are talking tonight specifically about consensual sex, because the other kind of bad sex is a very different kind of bad sex.
That’s not what we’re talking about. Consensual bad sex where you worked at it and tried and were hopeful and shaved zero to more than zero parts of your body in preparation for it and the spark never came and neither did you. So if we define sex as something that feels good, because we’re going to keep it broad, right? It’s got a different variation, different definition for different people.
I started to define it as rubbing with intent to produce happy. But everybody’s got their own definition, so we’re just going to go with if we define sex as an activity that feels good, then the most basic definition of bad sex is sex that does not feel good or good enough. Because if you’re engaged thinking I could be watching American Ninja Warriors instead, maybe it just doesn’t feel good enough.
I find it better to keep it simple. Everybody can sort of follow that. But also to be specific, I’m not talking about painful sex either.
If it actually hurts, you should seek advice from a qualified professional. Even if it’s bad and it’s not getting you where you want to go, it shouldn’t be painful. There are a lot of reasons for that too.
Go talk to a professional about it. We’ve got a lot of reasons that it doesn’t feel good or you’re not into it. There can be, of course, there’s the organic or medical reasons, poor hygiene.
I just don’t want to think about it too much. We’ve all been there. Got some horror stories about that.
We’re not going to talk about it too much. If you’ve got poor health, you’re not feeling good. A little jiggle slut wants to know what the definition of good enough is.
Good enough is good enough to want to keep going. Yeah, there we go. You want to do it again.
You want to keep going and do it again. That’s good enough. Yeah, good enough to not want to get up and go watch American Ninja Warriors.
Maybe you do it one time. It’s not the best, but you want to try it again. Yeah, I typically recommend that if you’ve got what you thought to be a reasonable vibe with somebody, try everything two or three times because if it’s new, lots of things.
Some of us are of a certain age where our bodies are dealing with the reality of time having passed. Some people use substances, and that goes all the way. Shakespeare writes about it, about bringing the desire but taking away the ability.
Or maybe you’re in pain or you’re injured or you’ve got bad news today. There’s lots of stuff that can happen. Or your relationship reasons.
Maybe you’re bored with your partner or you’re not curious about your partner. You’re not actually interested or attracted to your partner, but they are present, so you’re trying anyway. There’s lots and lots of reasons.
Trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, pets. Maybe you don’t feel like it. You feel like you have to.
Perhaps lingering resentments or conflicting schedules. You get exhausted. That’s a really common one.
Or maybe you’re just in a couple where somebody wants it all the time, and another person is like, you know, I’m on a 12-day schedule, and that’s fine. There’s lots and lots and lots of reasons that you don’t want to be there. That said, remember last time I hosted when my screen went black? That was fun.
Oh, no. Did that happen again? Oh, yeah. It’s in and out.
Fingers crossed. In and out, in and out. Bad sex.
You like morning sex, and your partner likes nighttime sex. Promise of seven inches and the delivery of less than five. Sometimes the delivery is two.
Which is so funny. I promise it grows as it gets harder. Liar.
Yeah, and the thing is that they know that we’re going to find out. When they lie about their dick size, they know hopefully the whole idea is that we’re going to find out in person what their dick size is. So just be honest so that I can reject.
Yes, guys. I really do. I think they think that we are too stupid to understand what a tape measure does.
I really do. I know where your dick is supposed to hit on my hand and my arm. That is the only explanation for them giving you, oh, I’m nine inches.
Sweetheart, you ain’t nine inches if you fuck me five times. Where’s my fucking measuring tape? Well, Miss Krista, on that note, would you like to share a story of bad sex with us? I know. Let’s hear it, Bethany.
Well, I wrote, he was so bad, I wrote a blog. And I’ve got a follow-up audio for him. Oh, my goodness.
Now we get the story. His name is Steve. Steve is exactly what we were just talking about.
Tells me he’s got eight inches of cock. He’s a liar. Oh, my God.
I could have even forgiven five. He was barely, barely three. And, you know, he was terrible.
Not only did he have a little bitty dick, but he didn’t know how to use it. And he thought he was God’s gift. So true story.
I cucked him hard. He was so enamored that he, you know, I told him, I said, well, here’s the only way that this relationship is going to continue. He stuck around and I was brutal to him.
I’m sure he liked that. Yeah. And he’s where I got that saying that, sweetheart, you couldn’t have fucked me four times and give me eight inches of dick.
I told him that. To his face. I booed him when he took his pants off.
Boo this man. Boo. Boo.
And I, you know, I didn’t boo him until I noticed that he was fully erect. He would have been soft. But I did.
I booed him. It’s amazing. So many booze.
So anyway, and he didn’t have it in the whip either. And, you know, I tried. I even tried to be, you know, after I went through all that.
I even tried to see, well, let’s see if he can, like, at least make it stay hard long enough to maybe rub a good spot. Maybe. No.
He not only was he tiny, not only was he a liar. He was a premature ejaculator too. Oh, pick a struggle.
Steve. Oh, he went for it. He went for the gold.
He got them all. Every single one. Yeah, he did the sitting bull said the trifecta.
He did the hat trick. Oh, it’s a hat track in hockey or I think even in soccer. If you get three goals, it’s called a hat trick and a game.
Yep. Oh, yeah. And to pump jump is one and also a three stroke joke.
Both of those supply. Joke. Joke.
Yep. Joke. And a two pump jump.
Yep. Oh, I’m sorry. You had to endure that.
Well, it may be some really good writing material. And, you know, this has been probably nobody should Steve. No, no, I make it, I make it my personal goal to make sure that every woman knows that Steve is one of matter of fact, I was telling you all earlier that he was so bad.
I even told this man that he doesn’t deserve to even Jack off in a pair of panties because that is putting his dick too close to a pussy. Hmm. Shouldn’t be there.
Yep. He, he should not even be allowed to use panties to Jack off could cause dryness in the associated pussy miles away. But anyway, now it’s been over 10 years ago and I still make sure to bring him.
All the recognition he deserves. Hmm. Terrible.
Not that you’re holding a grudge or anything. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It’s always way past grudge because I had, I had so much fun talking to him.
Nice. I’m glad he’s gone now. How about you, Mr. Specky? Do you have any tales of sexual woe? I do.
Thankfully, not too many. I’ve been pretty fucking fortunate, but when the topic of tonight came up, I started thinking about one of my exes and he was a fucking horrible. Yes, sir.
And like, listen, the sex itself wasn’t that bad, but the kissing was so fucking bad that it ruined everything. He had that like wet sloppy mouth and, oh, and he kept trying to grab me and kiss me passionately. And I was just not having it.
So, yeah, that was pretty bad. That was pretty bad. He even gave bad head, you know, like, I know.
Like just uncoordinated head. It was horrible. And then, of course, there was the time that with my current situation ship, we broke the fucking bad, which, you know, it was enthusiastic sex.
It was really, really fun up until the point that we broke the bad. And then we devolved into pure laughter and couldn’t even finish the deed. Who else do we have? Mistress Harper.
Have you tales of survivors? I do. I had sex with a guy one time. We broke the bed.
So that’s pretty common. I mean, if you’re doing it right, yeah, you’re going to break the bed. So broke the bed.
There was, there was the guy who, he was very sweet and very enthusiastic. And then he stood up on the bed, like Superman style. And smacked his head into the ceiling fan.
Oh, so I think that counts as bad sex because he had to go to the emergency room. Oh, my God. Oh, my.
Oh, yeah. Terrible head. Terrible head.
He had to go get stitches. So that goes on my list of bad sex. If you have to go to the ER.
Did he have to, did he have to explain how he got this? Oh, yes. On his head. Even at that point in my life, I have no shame.
I never have. I told him he stood on the bed. They’re like, oh, what? Superman.
They’re like, what? Ceiling fan. Oh, okay. They were very confused, but you know, that’s funny.
It was funny. Sex still is. Neither of us got off.
So it counts as bad sex. Oh, yeah. How about you, Miss Sasha? Any tales of spicy time gone awry? Oh, a couple of times, but I guess the one that really stands out for me is the time this guy and, you know, let’s call him Steve, because honest to God, that seems like a good.
He says to me, and again, yeah, seemed like a very nice guy. I didn’t know him very well. And he said, don’t worry, baby, I’ll take care of you.
And I thought, well, yeah, we’ll see. I remained hopeful, but not confident, shall we say? And he, yeah. And he promptly got into bed, got off.
And that was the end of it. Didn’t take any interest in learning who I was, what I was interested in, in terms of sex or anything. Just thought that the two-pump chump or whatever it was, I can’t even remember how long it lasted.
Three-stroke joke. That’s it. Three-stroke joke.
It might’ve been that. It certainly didn’t last long. He got off and I did not.
And I remained and still remain remarkably unimpressed by that. Fucking asshole Steve. Yeah.
You know, all talk, no action. Sucks. How about you, Miss Bianca? Tales of woe.
Between the time I accidentally kicked my partner, gave them a black eye, because we were changing positions from pussy eating to, you know, getting on top. I was supposed to be getting on top and I had one heel on, one off. And I went to propel myself and he wasn’t quite done coming out from between my legs.
And everybody thought I’d beat this man. And it’s still a joke around my friends to this day, because I married him. But my, my most horrible than I will tell everybody, everybody who I came across, because it was a, it was a friend from early in life to my twenties.
And we were partying. I was having a dry spell. I really wasn’t interested in like going and finding Dick.
We lived in a small town. I was like, fuck it. I’ll give you a chance.
And he wasn’t huge. Okay. He was about maybe six.
This was before I was, I knew I was a size queen. Maybe one of the reasons I became one. And I’m not really interested.
I’ve been. Things that will for me, but I was like, Oh, surely he can just, you know, like get me off real quick. It’ll be fine.
He’s been asking for, you know, months and months. Cause our whole friend group. Don’t judge me.
We fucked everybody. Okay. It’s my bad.
I was young. I was done. I’ve been there.
He goes and he’s convenient. And he’s like, I got this. And I, I wanted to feel him deeper.
So I, I lifted my ass up to him. Some more. This motherfucker says one, two, three.
And it goes in my back door. Accidentally. Oh, way.
I kicked him fucking off. I’m so sorry. Baby.
You can’t control your rhythm. You, you know, no, we never did anything after that. I still tease the shit out of him to this day.
I’d be like, remember that time? Yeah. It’s like, fuck me in the ass. Okay.
And I wasn’t even wet enough to have no loop. Prize. Anal.
Right. No, the funniest. I had this before we were married and that one was just, you know, that’s the most embarrassing.
And I just put it all over the internet. So that’s cool. All right.
Love it. God, it’s Michelle. What you got? Yes.
Oh, now this is a lovely story. Um, My story begins with a lovely bartender that was, he was a trick bartender at my Dom’s end of summer party that she would have every year. And this was like a few years ago.
He went to high school with, well, I’m sorry, he went to school with my subbie partner in crime, who I met through my Dom. I think I’ve talked about him before. He’s so fun.
He loves playing in his feminine altar. And he had kind of a situation with this bartender. And just to kind of set the scene with this bartender, like this dude had drip.
Oh, my God. Like he was one of those trick bartenders that, like, put on a show. Like he, I remember at this party, he did this thing where he made this shot or this multiple shots with one, what do you call that thing? With one mixer.
And he lit one shot and set all 12 of them on fire. It was like the coolest thing. He was very into like, he was also like one of those steampunk kind of guys.
He did kind of like steampunk cosplaying. I remember he had these suspenders that had like gears that worked. And he had like a belt that had gears on it, too.
Like he was the coolest dude. He was so fun. He could talk the panties off of anybody.
And I remember after I met him at this party, he, me and my partner used to, well, ex-partner, we used to hang out. And there were a couple of times where we were hanging out where the three of us wound up doing some over-the-clothes kind of teasing. So I figured, like, he would be good to go.
He would be fun, you know, to get, get sexy or at least, you know, lift up my skirt and pull my panties to the side with. You know, that was my expectation. Right.
I mean, was somebody that charismatic? And also he had like the most incredible beard, too. I fucking left this part out. He had an incredible beard.
He used to like style it and it would look like flames the way that he did it. Like this dude was so fucking cool. You assume someone like that has seen the map.
Yes. And also he was extremely dexterous because of the way that he used to like pin bar and he like put on a show. So I’m thinking, you know, he’s good with his hands.
He’s got to be good with his hands. So, you know, he and I get together to watch some movies at my mom’s place because she went out of town and she asked me to house sit. And she told me I could have him over, you know, wink, wink.
You crazy kids have a good time. We get together. We’re sitting down.
We’re watching a movie together. Right. I remember I had put on the cutest outfit.
I was wearing this thin, like off the shoulder, like pink sweater, no bra. I was wearing this tiny little white skirt with this little pleats that had bows at the top of the pleats. And I was wearing like these really simple cotton panties underneath.
You know, those little white cotton panties were like they’re see through if you get wet. Yes. Some white cotton panties that whenever they get wet, you know, you can see right through them.
And they stick to the fucking house. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. I went to those laps. Girl, I was trying to get fucked.
I’m sitting in this dude’s lap. I only regret that I wasn’t there. I regret being there.
And you’ll see why by the end of this story. We’re sitting on the couch watching the movie. We were watching Dogma.
He kind of pulled me into his lap whenever it got to the scene where Jay and Silent Bob are talking about how they respect the women’s right to choose. So like I’m in his lap. You know, we’re kind of laughing a little bit.
He had like taken off his jacket. And I remember he was wearing this cool ass vest that had like this gold foil print of like a steam engine on the front and on the back. Again, this dude just everything about him was just screaming like this.
This guy is going to get his face fucking sat on. Absolutely written. So I’m sitting back on him.
You know, he kind of puts his hand on my chest to get me to lay back against him. Right. And I’m getting excited.
And he’s telling me, you know, how good I smell and, you know, that he can’t wait to really feel me. And I’m like, oh, OK, cool, cool, cool. So he reaches down, you know, to kind of lift up my skirt a little bit.
I remember I put my hand over his hand and made him stop, which immediately made him hard, which felt so good. When you’re sitting in somebody’s lap and you feel them get hard. Yeah.
So I’m like on the right track. You know, he’s excited because he’s got to wait. We get to the part in the movie where Selma Hayek is dancing on stage and she’s like inspiring everybody to tip her because she’s stripping and she’s like not taking off any clothes.
But she’s like inspiring everybody to give her money. I mean, they’re like making a joke about it. All kinds of things.
Oh, yes. Yes, she does. And she is incredible in that movie.
Mm hmm. So I put my hand on his hand, you know, and I kind of take his hand and I put it all the way underneath my skirt and have his hand sitting on top of my panties, you know, kind of letting him go off. Well, I wasn’t just wet then.
I wasn’t wet just yet. I was getting there, though. The way that he positioned his fingers so that his middle finger was like sitting on the top of the foot of my pussy.
And then I had his other fingers like on the lips of my pussy. He starts like running his hand down, you know, doing that motion where he’s just kind of tracing the pussy. He’s kind of tracing her and then he comes back up.
Yes. Like I’m throbbing, aching and like, yes, let’s do this. And he even said like he even like leaned forward and like whispered in my ear.
He was like, man, I haven’t even gotten underneath your panties yet. See how excited you are for me? I lost it like I nearly lost it right there. His other hand pulls my panties to the side, you know, exposing that wet pussy.
And I’m like spreading my legs wide like, yes, oh, my God, he’s going to do it. I don’t know what he did with his fingers, but somehow he simultaneously made his finger like a dagger in a hook. And he started fucking slamming into my pussy, attacking it with his finger.
And I’m like, Jesus, what? I’m like, ow, ow, ow, like nearly screaming in this man’s face and he will not stop, girl. Oh, man, no. I remember I violently pushed this man away.
And I was like, no, get out. And he was like, what is everything OK? Did I do something wrong? Yeah, you’re right. I’m looking at him like, are you serious? You cannot be kidding.
Dude, you just like hammer slammed my my poor Pikachu. She’s never going to recover from that. Get out of the Pikachu.
Be nice. Yes. Yes.
So cute. She’s so pretty. She’s just here for your enjoyment, for a good time.
No. Pro tip, people, if you’re fingering somebody and they had been wet before and they get like drier than the Sahara, you’re doing it wrong. You’re doing it wrong.
That does not feel good enough. How about that? No, it does not. I have mapped hands away.
Like, fuck you. No. And I love fingering.
I feel like fingering is a lost art form. And I think that has so much potential to be so fucking good. But when it’s bad, like it’s so bad.
Oh, it’s terrible. It’s a horse story. I mean, I still go in to try to get get fingered.
But, man, there’s some things you got to do first, because if you’re a shit kisser, you’re not going anywhere near my pussy. If you’re, if you don’t listen to me, you know, when we’re kissing or doing something basic. Oh, no, we’re not fucking.
You need to be able to follow some instructions and trust what I’m saying about my own fucking body. And that’s not about obedience. That’s about paying attention to your partner.
Exactly. Exactly. But, yeah, don’t trust the fancy trimmings of a bartender.
They may look really nice, but don’t don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t ever do that. Unless she’s a girl.
I knew a guy in school who was like the cool guy in school. He was absolutely like all the girls were wild for him. And he was short, but he I don’t know, he had fucking charisma.
Well, it turns out I had I had a friend who had sex with him and said that he had a tiny shrimp deck, like a little tiny one. And she told other girls and we were all like, oh, man, really, Rob? Oh, no. Maybe she wanted to keep him for herself.
Yeah, right. Well, I’m going to I’m just going to piggyback on you, Michelle, because like. Oh, I love when you piggyback on me, girl.
How do you get in on this piggyback thing? I know. Pretty soon it’s a daisy chain. Yay.
I was dating somebody who was not a bartender, was I’m assuming that most people are attending bar instead of owning bars because they are working class like most of the rest of us. And this guy was on the other end of that spectrum. He drove an expensive giant Lexus SUV and had money in the stock market.
Blah, blah, blah, houses, property, all this other shit. You can tell how impressed I was by all of it. I actually.
Didn’t necessarily want to date him, but he was nice and he was respectful. And so I went out with him and I should have known I was younger, younger when he he wasn’t rude to the waiter, but I asked the waiters. Oh, my God, Krista.
The waiter had a name tag on that said Steve. Fuck Steve. I, if you don’t know, I’ve got a degree in language arts and I spent some time doing some teaching stuff in an international community.
And so I feel really strongly that you should if Steve wanted to be called calling him Steve. But. We were in a authentic Chinese restaurant with Chinese speaking staff, among them our Steve.
And so I was curious what his mother decided to name him that I was imagining and prepared to be wrong. But imagining was not at his birth. Steve.
And so I asked and I don’t remember anything about the rest. I don’t remember what we ordered. I don’t remember any of the rest of it.
I just remember him saying, why would you bother to ask the waiter his name? And that should have been everything I needed. Absolutely. Fast forward to another point in time.
It was the same night. And everything else was good. And again, he was paying attention and like he had.
Good hands and. Like when he held my hand and stuff, he wasn’t weird about it and his hands weren’t clammy or sweaty. It’s fairly charismatic, but it didn’t sit well with me.
But I was like, well, he doesn’t work with international people, blah, blah, blah. Maybe just not wrong because it’s the same fucking punchline that you had, Michelle. Like when it came down to it.
First of all, he got off and I was just like, and what’s like about to roll over. And I don’t know. He didn’t smoke, but like whatever the non-smokers.
And I was like, hello. If I’m not done. We are not done.
So before you start writing off into the sunset, you should saddle back up. This is not how the story finishes. And.
First of all, that fucker told me to calm down. Oh, again. I will calm down when you have gotten me off back to work.
And. So he. Made the motions like literally, but same bullshit.
You know, like you’re trying to scratch off a lotto ticket to see if you want anything. You don’t have anything, but you can’t figure it out. Let’s get on my fucking clit.
Oh, my. And I don’t want that fast, but like the same, like the crooked finger and was like trying to provide clitoral stimulation because he’d come and. Stick was done.
I don’t whatever. I’m queer. I have lots of really good sex that doesn’t involve any dick at all.
So I don’t that’s not my issue. That’s his issue. So yank.
Is it a movie? Willem Dafoe said it to Tom Cruise and born on the 4th of July. If you don’t have it in the hip, you’ve got to have it in the lip. So I don’t care if his dick is done for the night.
So I figured he’d go down on me or use some sort of. I don’t know. Long learned hand massage techniques.
Nope. Full fingernail right over the clit. And that was again, didn’t know what he was doing.
Didn’t want to stop. Whoa. We’re done.
We’re done. Thank you. Goodbye.
And that was the last time I ever saw him. Yeah. That’s my story of really, really bad sex.
Selfish men are the worst. Yes. That was terrible.
But yeah. When I was listening to. Yeah, fuck off.
When I was listening to, I guess it was Michelle tell her story. That reminded me of something else that happened to me when I was quite young, but more mentally mature, emotionally mature, certainly than this idiot that I had gone out with for the first time that evening. And obviously I know now all he asked me out for was so that he could get fucked, which just wasn’t going to happen.
I didn’t know this guy. I just thought, well, you know, we’ll go out. We’ll get together.
We’ll see what we’re what he’s like. And we went to his place, which maybe should have been a tip off for me. Maybe, you know, he could have taken me out for a meal or something.
But he said, come over to my place. We’ll watch a movie and, you know, we’ll just have popcorn or whatever. And I said, well, yeah, okay.
And so we sit on the couch together. And because I don’t know him very well, I’m not super close to him. I’m, you know, far enough away.
And then he starts inching. Yeah, yeah. And then he starts inching closer and closer toward me, puts his hand on the back of the couch, and I think, oh, here we go.
Here we go. Yeah, subtly inch further and further away, and he just keeps inching closer and closer. And the next thing I know, I’m up against the arm of the couch.
And then, you know, he’s got his arm again on the back of the couch, and the movie’s going along, and I’m like, oh, boy, here we go. And he grabs my head, pulls my head close toward him, and blows into my ear just like a windstorm. Yes.
What? You know, you’ve heard the whole blow in a girl’s ear, she’ll follow you anywhere. Yeah, no, it doesn’t happen like that. Yeah.
And then I forget exactly how it was. He said something like, well, you know, I’ve shown you a good time this evening. And I thought a good time, a movie and popcorn or whatever it was.
He said, you owe me sex. Fuck off, owe you sex. Yeah.
And I said, I don’t owe you anything. And so he got all pissed off and drove me home, because, again, I’ll never do that again, be at the mercy of somebody else’s ride. But at least, you know, he was, he was decent enough that he did give me a ride home.
Sulkily, he sulked the whole way, but too bad. Yeah. Yeah.
But, yeah, haven’t forgotten that. Temporarily forgot until Michelle started talking about her movie. I think that leaves us with Ms. Shiloh.
Do you have a tale to tell? You may have lost Shiloh. Sorry, I had to unmute myself. Oh, there you are.
You’re muting yourself. I was struggling to touch that mute button. Been there.
I do. Somebody else, somebody’s been struggling to touch a button for this entire conversation, so you’re right on track. That’s good.
Well, I still thought men were worth fucking. I haven’t had sex in so long. It’s been a while.
Most of them are not worth letting them touch my body, in my opinion. My body is sacred. Yes, it is.
I met this man on this dating app. I was scrambling through his pictures on OkCupid, back before it got bought out by Match.com, and then I stopped and saw that he was wearing high heels, pink high heels, a corset, a bra, panties, a tutu. Does that work? Yeah.
He was a straight-up sissy, and I thought to myself, you know what? I’ve never dealt with somebody like that before. So I liked him, and then we matched soon after. We got to talking.
He invited me over to his place. It was brand new. I thought it was fun at first.
He gave me the biggest dildo I’ve ever seen and had me stick it inside of him. So we were doing that for a while. And at some point, he went down on me.
It felt good, but he couldn’t even last two minutes down there. He kept coming back up for air, and I thought, Where’s your dedication? I know. His jaw or his neck was getting tired.
And then I asked him, Well, can we have actual penetrative sex, like you inside of me? And he got real weird about it. He was like, I’ve never done that before. And I was thinking, whatever, whatever.
That’s the kind of thing you tell somebody. Yeah. And then at some point, he said, I just don’t want to stick it inside of you.
I can be your boyfriend, but I want you to have a side dude who could fuck you. And I was thinking, hell no, I’m not doing that. Uh-uh.
I did not want that to happen. So I was thinking, how does this benefit me? I’m not getting any money out of the situation. You’re not getting me stuff.
I’m helping you out. I’m fucking you in the ass with that gigantic dildo you have, Nikki. Whenever I think about him, I get so mad.
He was also a huge asshole. He made a couple of rude comments to me, and all I could think was, you little bitch. I was inside of you.
And you’re treating me like this. God, so he couldn’t fuck. He couldn’t eat me out for more than like a minute and a half.
And he was an asshole on top of it. I never spoke to him again. He was super sassy.
When I was calling him out through text, he was like, ciao. I was like, what kind of Fruit Loop shit is this? How are you sassier than I am? God.
